“Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he’s concentrating more on the bachelor party now.” — Pam Beesley (The Office)
So you and your dearly betrothed are making arrangements and planning everything for your upcoming Big Day. How is it going so far? Has it been an anxiety crazed grind, or has it been an enjoyable, fun process?
These seem to be the two most common routes that engaged couples experience. Sometimes everything will fall together perfectly and then other times it can be just one struggle after the other. There are just so many variables that must be attended to. Establishing the date, location, venue, guest list, catering, dinner menu, beverages, attire, music, the order of events, table placements, table decor, floral arrangement, signage, napkin colors, place card designs, entry song… need I go on?
Nah you get it. You’re there now.
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news — Your fiance doesn’t care.
If you are a bride who knows exactly what she is looking for and has everything already perfectly envisioned — Good news, your fiance probably doesn’t care and will agree to everything you desire.
If you are a bride who isn’t quite sure about every aspect and wants input and preferences across several different components of the wedding and reception — Bad news, your fiance probably doesn’t care or have opinions on most aspects and simply wants what you want.
You see it’s like this, there is a scope or range of acceptable options in your mind for each wedding component. Your tastes’ range may be rather refined and somewhat predetermined. Your fiance? Probably not.
Let’s face it though, you’ve certainly been thinking about this for a lot longer than he has and with significantly greater detail.
Therefore, your range looks something like this:
I———————————I
and your husband-to-be’s range looks more like this:
I——————————————————————————————————————I
I know it may seem or sound like we just don’t care about the wedding or reception itself, but I can assure you from experience that it is not out of apathy or dislike for the event, it is simply that we do not care one way or the other on most inputs and are indifferent about almost all design elements.
He trusts your judgment and agrees with your taste. That’s why he’s marrying you! We love that you love it, so go to town!
Sure this is “Our Big Day” but it’s also “YOUR Big Day.” I can tell you with certainty that you have dreamed about this day with intensity the likes of which we grooms cannot ever imagine. You know what you like and we want you to have it.
So when you go to your fiance asking him about this and that and he replies with “Both look great.” or, “Which do you like best?” or even, “I really don’t care” — what he is actually saying is that he genuinely has no preference and simply wants you to have what you like best. Make him happy by making yourself happy.
Now Grooms,
You don’t want to be like Roy in The Office and just leave Pam to figure everything out on her own. We all know how that went…
Find things that you both are passionate about and have defined tastes. There were several areas in fact that I was EXTREMELY particular:
- Mine and my groomsmen’s attire (had to look like James Bond in a black, shawled lapel tuxedo, non-negotiable. Groomsmen wore three-piece peaked lapel black tuxedos for distinction).
- Food and Beverage (Duh).
- Guest List (Crucial to make sure all necessary people are invited).
- Music (Paramount for the right atmosphere and party).
- Honeymoon (Sailing & Mai Tai’s).
These were my major areas of interest that I took very seriously as I wanted this occasion to be the most memorable and enjoyable for all. Other smaller areas that I did have some preference in were things like flowers and general colors. I actually very much enjoy fresh flowers so I was pretty interested in this even though Julia certainly could have handled this perfectly on her own.
Colors — I was also particular in this area on a general level. Helping to pick the basic colors is a perfectly reasonable request. When we begin getting into the minute and minuscule variances of essentially identical shades, however, I’m out. I’ll leave the differentiations between salmon, tangerine, and coral to your better-trained eyes and refined taste.
I can’t say it enough, we trust you. You know what you like, we like you, so we will like whatever you choose.
Lastly, this process of planning for and taking care of everything for the wedding is in a way your first major project as a married couple. How you communicate and perform here will be majorly telling for how you will operate as a married couple. This sets the stage and lays the groundwork for how you will handle the division of labor and problem-solving in your household.
If this currently isn’t going in the right direction, before your wedding, attack it right now. Set things straight and get on the same page with one another. Responsibilities must be clear and trust must be without question. This is a huge precedent for your communication in the future.
As clinical psychologist, Dr. Meg Jay says, “The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one.”
All the best, and enjoy the party.
– Evan Rush, husband to Julia and writer at Barebones Backpacker
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